What Is Conscious Uncoupling?
When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their intention to ‘consciously uncouple’ in 2014, Britain smirked. Possibly it didn’t help that their sunny-sounding announcement came fresh from LA, via Gwyneth’s derided Goop website, but for one reason or another few of us were ready to embrace the idea of a positive divorce back then.
Perhaps we preferred to wallow in the security of knowing divorce was going to be, indeed had to be, awful. The fact that this particular celebrity couple were seeking to separate without acrimony was somehow patronising, unworthy. Even today, the phrase Conscious Uncoupling serves as an unofficial shorthand for pretentiousness of a certain kind.
The reasons for this uncharitable response are complex and entrenched, of course. Media coverage of divorce has been relentlessly negative and we still tend to judge ourselves by the standards of history where such matters are concerned. But with better healthcare and rising prosperity, the arguments that made marrying for life a common, possibly reasonable, goal in 1900 (UK life expectancy: 47 for a man, 50 for a woman) simply cannot apply with the same force today (79 for men, 83 for women). What are we supposed to do with all those extra years?
So the time has come to admit that Gwyneth and Chris may have been right after all: marrying for life is great, but for many of us will be unrealistic. And if we find ourselves in the position of having to move on, that is not a failure. It is unfair to ourselves, to each other and to our children to think that it is. We urgently need to update our thinking to reflect the world as it is today, not as our great-grandparents found it.
But what does this all mean in practical terms? How should couples approach ‘divorcing well?’ As barristers used to the cut and thrust of the Family Court, and also advising couples together jointly at The Divorce Surgery, we are privileged to gain a unique perspective into what works and what doesn’t. Here are some of our core conclusions:
1. Rid yourself of any outdated assumptions about divorce
The problem isn’t divorce, it’s divorce handled badly. If you have children, know that divorce in itself isn’t harmful to children, but high-conflict divorce is. Your friendship group does not need to be fractured. You are permitted to stay in touch with the in-laws. The school gates do not have to become a new Cold Front. If you, together with your spouse, refuse to make a drama out of it, you’ll suck the oxygen out of anyone else who tries. We started The Divorce Surgery to give separating couples access to joint, impartial advice from one lawyer they both share. But as the business has grown and evolved, we realise that we do more than that. We give separating couples permission to be decent to each other, and we give them a narrative to tell their family, friends and the parents at the school gates: ‘We’re actually sharing a lawyer- it really is no drama- we’re working this out together.’
2. Try to see divorce as a fresh start
One family lawyer we greatly admire described divorce as entering into a deep dark forest. It’s an understandable analogy, but not a useful one. If anything, starting upon the process of divorce is to follow a path out of the forest, into a sunlit upland. And that’s the image we want you to visualise. Clearly, there are going to be some significant bumps in the road along the way – its important to be realistic – but if you’ve been told to expect the worst, then that’s what you’ll experience. Instead, try to recognise that you are both turning the page on a new chapter, with new adventures.
3. Embrace different forms of support
You will need legal advice, but please also be open to accessing emotional support, and also professional co-parenting support. When it comes to good divorce, you will need different guidance at different times. Whereas your parenting instincts may have been spot-on until now, divorce can set you off kilter. Don’t be harsh on yourself. A big life change, such as a divorce, is not the time for your ‘best self’ to come out so don’t expect it to. You will be dealing with many conflicting emotions. Try to be open to the idea that it may be helpful to get professional input on the therapeutic and co-parenting side. We feel strongly that when it comes to co-parenting, legal advice is not enough on its own. It’s the soft skills that will help you the most, and we regularly refer clients to co-parenting experts to lay the foundations you will rely on, as you reshape your family unit.
4. If you have children together, see this as a time to evolve your relationship for the long-term, rather than to bury it
Clearly, any relationship heading towards divorce has its difficulties – and for some this will be a massive understatement. But the practical requirements of any separation do require, at the very least, a degree of communication in relation to the major issues which concern you both, whether about money or children.
One of the more surprising aspects of our work at The Divorce Surgery has been to see the extent to which once couples begin communicating constructively about one issue, progress can quickly spread to other areas too – in a way which was unimaginable to them before they started the process. Engaging with the question of whether both parents need to be working full-time, for example, can lead on to a much more reflective and mature assessment of your children’s emotional needs and your co-parenting strategies. The fact is that if you have children together, you will also have a future relationship together – albeit different to the one you are leaving behind. Invest in that relationship at the outset, it will pay dividends later on.
So the message? You don’t have to call it conscious uncoupling if you don’t want, but an amicable divorce is not just possible, it is the only realistic option. Read Samantha’s article in Tatler for more or get in touch if you would like any more information. We offer free guidance calls and are always happy to help. You can call us on 0203 488 4475 or email [email protected].
Author Name: The Divorce Surgery
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