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Most people approach the subject of divorce with s

Most people approach the subject of divorce with so many preconceptions and so much negative bias that it makes a balanced analysis a rare thing to find 🔎

But in her piece today for @thetimes, Francesca Angelini achieves just that 👏

It’s so refreshing to read a brilliantly researched and thorough analysis of everything which is wrong with divorce today, and how it can change ↩️

When Harry and I set up The Divorce Surgery 6 years ago, we talked about what our dream publication would be, and we both said how incredible it would be if The Sunday Times Magazine did a feature about separating couples sharing a lawyer. At the time, making a shared lawyer experience that mainstream felt outlandish, but here we are! 💫

Do read the article if you can. And in the meantime, know this:

✅ You don’t need to get along to have an amicable divorce

✅ Getting good quality legal advice doesn’t have to cost a fortune

✅ You *can* share a lawyer if you just want an answer without falling out

✅ Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage because you’re scared of the divorce process

✅ There are so many better options out there that ever before

✅ If 2024 might involve some changes for you, we’re here 👋

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

What a happy message to receive! We wanted to crea

What a happy message to receive! We wanted to create a space for people navigating divorce who want good advice from qualified lawyers which ditches the stigma of divorce and focuses on the future. Messages like these make our day! 😀

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce #amicabledivorces #legaladvice #friendlydivorce

Pensions have long been the unloved ugly duckling

Pensions have long been the unloved ugly duckling 🐥 when it comes to discussing finances upon separation. Too complicated, too boring, too remote, too difficult. But they may transform into a golden goose at retirement🪿

Can your afford to ignore pensions? There has recently been a lot of focus on how taking this approach can cause real problems later in life – particularly for women, since men still tend to hold the great majority of our pension wealth🔒

Deciding when you separate to ‘keep the house’ at the expense of a fair division of
pension assets might seem simpler at the time but are you selling yourself short? 📉

Research by Manchester University in 2021 threw up some eye-catching results including the finding that for about half of couples with pensions, one partner – still usually a man – has 90% of the
pension wealth… Fewer than 15 per cent of couples have pensions that are approximately equal 😮

As the ‘Pensions Advisory Group’ put it in 2019, after the family home,
pensions are often the next largest family asset so ‘ignoring the pensions or agreeing to ignore the pensions is not an option’ ❌

So it is not surprising that the Family Court is very hot 🔥 on ensuring pensions are divided fairly. It can make all the difference between a comfortable retirement and merely surviving.

So please don’t ignore pensions! And if you’re worried, feel free to DM us. We don’t charge for our guidance calls 👋😊

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

One of the most satisfying things about our work a

One of the most satisfying things about our work at The Divorce Surgery has been seeing the extent to which couples are now asking to share a lawyer.

People instinctively understand that the legal aspects of divorce are an issue that concerns them both, equally, and simply don’t want to find themselves pitted against each other in an adversarial process. And we’ve been happy to help!

#thedivorcesurgery #familylaw #onecoupleonelawyer #divorcecommunity #livingapartparentingtogether #family #theartofuntyingtheknot #workingtogether #gooddivorce #conflictfree #removingthestigma #shareadivorcelawyer #reshapingyourfamily #coparenting #abetterway #newyear #2024

When you are in a divorce ‘battle’, it can fee

When you are in a divorce ‘battle’, it can feel like there’s no way out.

Your direct communication is probably at an all time low ⬇️ and mistrust at an all time high ⬆️

If you’re relying on each of your lawyers to communicate for you, it may feel insurmountable to reach out and find another way 😞

But it’s never too late. Most divorcing couples don’t agree on the outcome. That’s normal. But there are several things most can agree on:

👍 They want to get to a fair outcome

⏩ As quickly as possible

💰Spending as little on lawyers as they can

👩‍⚖️ And avoiding a Family Judge imposing a result they might not like

So that’s quite a lot to start with! 🥳

If you’re stuck in divorce litigation, or negotiations which are going nowhere, provided it’s safe to do so, open your mind to the idea that it may be the adversarial process that is letting you both down, rather than the other person who is letting you down.

That’s what happened to the couple who came to us after 4 years instructing separate lawyers. Because instead of pitting them against each other, we worked with them both to find an outcome which was fair to them both 🤝

And you don’t have to come to us! Happily, since we set up a joint service 6 years ago, other lawyers have followed suit 🙌

The main point is this: open your mind to the idea that it’s not your ex letting you down, it’s the adversarial process letting you both down 💡

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

It’s pretty obvious. And yet so few divorcing co

It’s pretty obvious. And yet so few divorcing couples actually get this advice.

You have two routes to sort out the division of your finances and arrangements for any children you have on divorce:

1️⃣ You agree 👍

Or

2️⃣ An outcome is imposed upon you by a stranger (a Family Judge) after a long and expensive court process 👎

So if you can, you should agree 🤝

If you each start from the basis that you want to ‘win’, that you want what’s best for you individually, then you’re not going to agree. The likelihood is, you’ll end up in a long, drawn out negotiation, possibly ending in litigation, because each of you will be trying to outmanoeuvre the other 😩

But if, instead, you each recognise, from day one, that the way to ‘win’ at divorce is if you BOTH win, that you’re only to get each others’ agreement is if you find an outcome which you can both live with, and recognise as fair, then you’ll ‘win’ at divorce 🙌

You’ll reach an outcome which is fair to you both, without wasting time, costing the earth and cutting out unnecessary conflict 🌅

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

In regular negotiation, you start with your worst

In regular negotiation, you start with your worst proposal, and move through to your best at the end 📈

But if you do this in a divorce context, you’ll spoil the negotiations before they’ve even started 🙈

Want to know why⁉️

Because divorce involves big emotions. And you’re doing it in the context of a relationship where mistrust and miscommunication is at an all time low ⬇️

So that first proposal matters more than any other. Because, to your ex, that represents their worth to you. And vice versa. So if you each start with your lowest offers, you’ll be stuck in a vortex. No matter how much your offers improve through the negotiation, you’ll each be trapped in the hurt of that first, insultingly low, offer.

And what’s bonkers is that this is how most divorce negotiations play out 🤯

So how you you change it⁉️

Well that’s why Harry and I decided to change the status quo. As divorce barristers we’ve seen divorce negotiations play out with the same dynamic over and over again.

But there’s an easy way to avoid it: DON’T NEGOTIATE AT ALL 😃

❌ Don’t make that first low offer
❌ Don’t spend months misinterpreting each other
❌ Don’t waste money trying to outmanoeuvre each other

✅ Agree that you both don’t know the answer
✅ Identify an impartial lawyer who can tell you both, together, what the answer is
✅ Move on 🌅

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

OK, so this is a question that we hope we will soo

OK, so this is a question that we hope we will soon never have to ask again - because the answer will be so obvious ! You absolutely can share a lawyer. And by doing so, you can avoid the extra financial and emotional cost of instructing a legal team each.

There will always be a place for separate legal advice, and some situations do arise where sharing a lawyer will not be appropriate. But, these are rare and for most separating couples, taking early expert advice from one lawyer together will give you the best chance of moving forward together.

#thedivorcesurgery #familylaw #onecoupleonelawyer #divorcecommunity #livingapartparentingtogether #family #theartofuntyingtheknot #workingtogether #gooddivorce #conflictfree #removingthestigma #shareadivorcelawyer #reshapingyourfamily #coparenting #abetterway

2024 may bring some changes to your relationship s

2024 may bring some changes to your relationship status. But you are still you. Don’t dim that light 🌟

Divorce can be hard. Of course it can. It’s a huge emotional transition for you, your partner and your family. But if a marriage isn’t working for one of you, it isn’t working.

Don’t let divorce stigma set you off track ❌
A relationship which has a shelf life can still be a hugely successful relationship 🤩

Some people have one good marriage in them. Some have several. Either way is fine. Both versions are still epic, first rate lives 🤗

And when it comes to the legal side, remember it’s just a process, like buying a house, or writing a Will. If the legal process is making things worse, rethink it. And if you can work together and share a lawyer, do 🤝

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

When you’re resolving finances on divorce, you n

When you’re resolving finances on divorce, you need to each disclose to each other all your financial resources, so that you can each make a fully informed decision about settlement, and so that a Family Judge can check that any agreement you reach is legally fair 👩‍⚖️

In England and Wales, that document is called a Form E. It’s about establishing what there is available and proving you’ve both been honest and open about what there is 📖

The Form E is crucial, but it’s tedious to complete, which is why we’ve created our own, much easier version. But the key point remains this: being transparent about your finances is essential for a good divorce: the Court requires it so it really is a non-negotiable 🔑

Here are our 4 top tips for completing your Form E well:

➡️ Don’t panic! The Form E is long and boring, but it shouldn’t be scary. Break it down and take it section by section, and get advice if you need it ✅

➡️ Keep it simple: don’t over-think it 🤔Most of the questions are purely factual, so give factual answers. Some are more subjective, for instance your future budget and housing needs. Don’t hesitate to get some financial or legal advice if you want help with these ✅

➡️ Ditch the emotion: the Form E is not the place to score points (in fact, please don’t ever try to score points- it won’t help you settle). Keep it short, sharp and factual ✅

➡️ Work on it together 🤝 (if you can): for some couples it isn’t safe to work together, or the circumstances of their situation mean that they need independent legal advice from day one. But for the couples who share a lawyer, for instance those who come to us, the Form E is a collaborative process we all work through together. In any relationship you’ll end up delegating tasks to each other- it’s efficient that way. But it means that one of you may know more about the finances than the other. Pool that knowledge at the earliest opportunity, so you are both fully informed and empowered to reach a fair deal ✅

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

❗️Want to make sure you don’t end up in cour

❗️Want to make sure you don’t end up in court?

If you don’t want to be in court, you’ll need to settle. Which means reaching an agreement which works for you both. 🤝

Here are our 5 mistakes to avoid:

❌ Don’t assume court is inevitable: it really isn’t. The President of the Family Division, the most senior family judge in England and Wales, has made many speeches reinforcing the fact that court should be the last resort for couples, at is has such a damaging emotional impact (leaving aside the huge and often disproportionate cost). If you start from the basis that you both agree you don’t want to end up in court, you’ll be starting well.

❌ Don’t forget to be fair to each other: of course you want a fair outcome for yourself. But don’t lose track of the fact that the only way to settle is to find a solution which you both see as fair.

❌ Don’t assume you can do it all on your own: reaching an agreement about your finances, or the arrangements for your children, can be tough. The answer is very rarely obvious from day one. And most people haven’t been through divorce before. Getting advice early can save significant costs in the long run, and if you share a lawyer, you’ll be spending a lot less than having a lawyer each.

❌ Don’t assume because you’re getting divorced that you can’t work together: your instincts may be driving you apart, but you are the key to unlocking each other’s settlement. So don’t close your mind to the fact that the best way through is probably to work together (provided it’s safe).

❌ Don’t forget all the good times you’ve had: successful relationships which have a shelf-life are still successful relationships. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The ending may be a little tricky but don’t let that spoil everything which went before, or derail you from all the future adventures which are coming 🌈

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

If you start a divorce thinking it’s going to be

If you start a divorce thinking it’s going to be a battle, that you need to ‘out-manoeuvre’ each other, that there will be a winner and a loser, then all you can guarantee is one thing: a long, expensive and mutually destructive divorce process 😞

So know this: divorce isn’t about winners or losers, it’s the search for fairness. And not fairness for one of you, but for you both and your family as a whole 🫶

Provided you can agree in broad terms what your financial picture is, there is going to be a narrow band of solutions which a Family Court is likely to consider fair. So the sooner you both know what they are, the better. You can then negotiate openly and transparently. You’ll both know what the unreasonable demands or concessions are, so they won’t form part of your discussions 👍

You need good legal advice to understand what those options are. But you don’t need a maverick, or a Rottweiler. You just need an expert, who can dial down the temperature for you, not rev it up.

Family Lawyers often get described as ‘Rottweilers’ or ‘War Horses’ who ‘fight your corner’. But this is a family we’re talking about. Increasingly divorcing couples, and the legal profession as a whole, are recognising that the language of battle is totally inappropriate, and in fact harmful, for the poor families involved. It’s not a battle, it’s just a process, and at the end of the day you’re just looking for a solution which is fair for you both and any children you may have 💫

It’s not a Machiavellian game. Just get a sensible lawyer you both rate to tell you both the answer, together, and move on.

If you start from that mindset, that you want to explore what’s fair for you both, you can get straight to where you both need to be, and cut out the drama 🎭

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

As a nation of animal lovers, you won’t be surpr

As a nation of animal lovers, you won’t be surprised to hear that the issue of who gets the family dog for Christmas can be (understandably) quite tricky…

The court’s approach to this issue in England & Wales is not particularly aligned with the view of most pet owners. Animals are not a standalone consideration for the court and are essentially treated as items of personal property, meaning that ownership can be transferred between spouses during the divorce process. Whilst you can expect a court to have regard to animal welfare as part of any decision-making process, this is not mandatory. And if you are not married, there is no legal basis for transferring ownership of animals between you upon separation.

But treating a dog like a ‘chattel’ doesn’t sit well with many pet owners. It’s a good idea to talk through the arrangements for your pets, and draw up a written agreement (sometimes called a Petnup!) to make plans which are fair, work for you both, and above all, work for your pooch 🐶🥰

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

When we opened our doors at The Divorce Surgery in

When we opened our doors at The Divorce Surgery in 2018, we were the first and only lawyers to be offering legal advice to couples together. Many said it couldn’t be done, and that we were naive to try 🤷‍♀️

But the experience of the last 5 years has shown us that couples really do want a One Couple One Lawyer solution ✅ and really do not want a lengthy, open-ended, expensive and acrimonious battle when it comes to divorce ❌

The great news is that where we have led, others have followed! Some solicitors also now advise couples jointly together and we expect many more to follow in the coming years 👍

So if you’re curious about sharing a lawyer, feel free to reach out. We offer free guidance calls, and we’re a really friendly team! 👋

Or just follow us here, we’ll keep sharing our tips and tricks to help you navigate divorce in the best way for you 💫

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

Take care of yourselves this Christmas 🎄and if

Take care of yourselves this Christmas 🎄and if you want tips on how to hibernate from divorce this Christmas, click on the link in our stories for our top 10 tips 🎅🏼

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce #christmas

Remember life throws curve balls 🎱 If you ha

Remember life throws curve balls 🎱

If you have a maintenance agreement or order in place and one of you is made redundant it can add a huge amount of stress to an already very stressful life event.

Mindset is absolutely key 🔑 Remember this is a life obstacle you both need to navigate. View it as a shared problem and take the following steps:

➡️ If you have a court order or written agreement, dig it out and check the wording. Is there anything in there which provides for a redundancy situation? (It probably won’t, but worth checking)

➡️ Be completely transparent with your ex partner about the redundancy. Share as much information as you have (in writing) about what has happened, when the redundancy will take effect and any payout. Continue to share any new information as you receive it, including details of other jobs you are applying for.

➡️ Transparency cuts both ways. You each need to be open about what your budgets are and how these can be trimmed in the short term. What economies can be made? Can grandparents help with childcare? Can you get a mortgage holiday? If one of you is still working, can you get more hours to bridge the income shortfall?

➡️ Get shared advice. These situations aren’t easy. But if you treat it as a shared problem to navigate together, and liaise with any professionals together, you can work out a solution together. Don’t be afraid to see a financial adviser, or mortgage broker, or to share a lawyer. We see couples all the time in this situation- don’t be afraid to reach out 👋

➡️ Above all, don’t try to be tactical about this. Redundancy doesn’t mean maintenance stops forever. Equally it doesn’t mean maintenance is unaffected. If you don’t communicate properly you’re likely to end up in court, which is the last place you want to be if you can avoid it.

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

For so many of the couples with children that we s

For so many of the couples with children that we see, their biggest fear is that divorce will be damaging for their children.

But research has consistently shown that what causes emotional harm to children isn’t divorce itself- it’s being exposed to their parents’ entrenched conflict.

So if an adult relationship isn’t working any more, sometimes divorce can be the best solution, enabling a new co-parenting approach in which everyone can thrive 💫

If your relationship is no longer working, if it cannot make you both happy, then it is failing you. The right choice then is to move on. Would you want your children to stay in a deeply unhappy relationship? Of course not. Is the healthy choice to stay in a marriage ‘for the children’? Often no- an unhappy relationship makes everyone involved unhappy.

What matters is the way you divorce. You are modelling for your children, and they will take their cues from you. At the end of the day, you want your children to view this divorce as a footnote in their childhoods, not a defining event.

Provided it is safe for you to work together, agree that that’s what you’re going to do. Don’t be afraid to get help: there are co-parenting experts out there who can really help you navigate your children’s questions and the ups and downs ahead. You can share a lawyer, even just for a one off call, to set you both on the right track. If you’re worried, please do just DM us.

But if you start out with a shared commitment to make this transition as seamless as you can for each other, you’ll be halfway there. Remember, the best way to look after your children is to look after each other, and that applies equally on divorce as it did during your marriage.

So don’t let ‘divorce stigma’ get you down: this can be the fresh start you all need, and the launchpad to a supportive blended family 🥰

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

Christmas can be one of the most stressful times o

Christmas can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Don’t imagine everyone else is having a great time- they probably aren’t!

All you can do is to be kind to yourself and those around you, and pre-empt emotions as much as you can by making a plan. Lean into any positives, and distract yourself where possible.

And recognise that next year could well be your best year yet, who knows what is awaiting you.

#thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity #gooddivorce #abetterway #onecoupleonelawyer #workingtogether #theartofuntyingtheknot #blendedfamilies #coparenting #financialdisclosure #navigatingdivorce

Christmas is an emotive time whether you’re sepa

Christmas is an emotive time whether you’re separating or not. The pressure to have the perfect ‘Hallmark’ Christmas can make the run up pretty stressful for everyone! And normal life stresses don’t stop on Christmas Day; in fact if you’re not careful the added pressure of the festive period can exacerbate stress rather than alleviate it.

So first, and foremost, be kind to yourselves. Assess what really matters this Christmas, and what is causing you stress. You will feel emotional, that’s normal. You may also feel relief, if this is your first Christmas apart. That may also prompt guilt.

If you have children, you will also be navigating their emotions. Try to predict what you’re going to find hard, and make a plan to alleviate that. Are there new traditions you can embrace this year? If you’re worried about being alone, can you make a plan with some friends? If travel is an option for you, that can be a brilliant source of distraction.

But overall please do recognise that life transitions can be hard, so be easy on yourself and take any opportunities for joy when they come your way.

#thedivorcesurgery #familylaw #onecoupleonelawyer #divorcecommunity #livingapartparentingtogether #family #theartofuntyingtheknot #workingtogether #gooddivorce #conflictfree #removingthestigma #shareadivorcelawyer #reshapingyourfamily #coparenting #abetterway

We’re always so grateful to receive feedback fro

We’re always so grateful to receive feedback from our couples and to support them through what can be a very stressful time. Thank you to all those who continue to put their trust in us.

#divorce #separation #abetterway #divorcesupport #legaladvice #familylaw #divorcelaw #clientfeedback #peaceofmind #onecoupleonelawyer #thedivorcesurgery #divorcecommunity

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